be grateful.

my dad says that fear and love are the only two motivators in life.  i honestly believe it, and before i had my babies, it was easy for me to remember to not be afraid.   that, although i'm still figuring it out, i was probably not the one in control.  that being afraid was not a way to live.  and still, after having my babies, i am mostly able to pull this off.  but i think, as a mother, there's always a teeny tiny voice in the back of our heads, reminding us of what could possibly happen.  the worst.  one of my best friends called me tonight with the incredibly sad news that one of our friends in fresno, who had twin girls that were about a year older than our twins, lost one of them last night.  i don't know much, only that she had cerebral palsy, had been in and out of the hospital and as of last night, was on the mend.  of course, mother or not, this would have been hard to hear.  as a labor nurse, i've dealt with several patients who have lost their babies, and it has never gotten easier.  but this is the first time i've had to deal with it as a mom, and have had to think about what i would do if it happened to me.  which is physically painful.  so i try not to dwell on it, and instead of being frustrated that my baby won't take a nap or that my other baby spits up so much our washer and dryer are continuously running, i am grateful.  that after 2 1/2 years of on-and-off trying to conceive, we finally got our baby boys.

i am so incredibly grateful.