lately

it's been a rough couple of weeks.  i kind of don't know how to make this post into a good story or have a neat and organized beginning, middle, and end, so you may lose interest.  it's ok, i understand.  as the boys have become two year-olds in every sense of the word (phrase?), and bryan has had to work several shifts in a row a couple of times, i've become more and more worn down.  i've figured out that it's the days where i have them alone from sun up to sun down that really get to me.  and when i haven't fully recovered from the previous day, each day gets a little bit worse in the sense of me starting out with a positive attitude as to how it will go.  we've always said it's going to be so good, because growing up as twins, they never are the only ones who never have to wait, the only baby getting the attention or having to adjust to a new sibling because they've always had each other there.  patience will come naturally.  apparently, they haven't figured it out yet.  mealtimes are the hardest.  when i'm going it alone, if i put them in their highchairs without the food in front of them, the whining/yelling/crying hits decibels that should be illegal.  if i let them play around while i'm making whatever meal it may be (which is part of the problem that we don't have a proper play area for them while i'm cooking), they end up falling off the piano bench or getting into the dogs food, etc.

another issue that's added fuel to the fire is the fact that they've gotten pickier in the last couple of weeks.  we went to their 2 year appointment and they've gained .6 pounds in the last six months and are in the 9th percentile for weight. (95th for head!!)  so although i can see with my own eyes and know with my gut that they are fine, i shouldn't be worried because they're acting like normal two year-olds, it's still in the back of my head when they've stopped eating their normal go-to foods, i.e. macaroni and cheese, peanut butter, string cheese.  can i just say thank god for cheerios?!  tonight for dinner, we had: bagels with cream cheese, raisins, yogurt, bananas (or lello nuh-na-nuh, as liam calls them), a few bites of apple, and pretzels.  partly because we were running errands and i didn't have time to make anything, and partly because i didn't want to make anything they weren't going to eat anyway!  i'm usually pretty good with letting things go, but this one's been a hard one.  i've been told they aren't going to starve, so i guess we're just gonna have to tough it out.

i did read something the other day, and although i'm ashamed to admit it was on the people.com celebrity baby blog, it made a lightbulb go off in my tired head.  the celebrity (who i can honestly say i don't know- pretty surprising!), was talking about her two year-old daughter and how she's noticed lately little things that have made her feel like a bad parent.  for instance, they were at a birthday party and the girl threw a tantrum and ran to the nanny instead of her.  and she said she couldn't take it personally, that her daughter wasn't doing it on purpose, but it was just her doing what she knew.  big a-ha moment for me.  this isn't about me.  they aren't waging a personal attack against me, they're just being toddlers.  liam isn't climbing to the top of the bookshelf because he knows it's going to make me mad, he's just curious!  he is interested in everything, he needs to explore every nook and cranny, and he isn't doing it on purpose.  of course, after he gets a reaction, then he's doing it on purpose.  i just need to remember that, i need to dig to the bottom of my soul where i didn't think i had an ounce of patience left, find it, and let them be two.  i need to channel one of my best friends, sarah d.  who would most definitely recommend ending the day with a vodka cran and dr. mcdreamy.  and maybe, every once in awhile when it's too much, just cry.  always helps.

suggestions? tips?