in complete and total love.

one of my christmas presents to myself was a new return address stamp.  most people don't really think this is that big of a deal, but as a designer and lover of calligraphy (and wannabe totally awesome kick-ass calligrapher someday), it's a big deal.  i was all ready to take pictures of the stamp in action, but then realized i probably didn't want to put my address on the world wide web.  so i borrowed a photo from their etsy site.  i mean, seriously, how cool is this calligraphy?!  their name is primele and it's three sisters, one of whom does the lettering and the other two help with the business aspect of things.  that would really be great, if my sisters would quit the nursing profession and handle my business.  yeah, right. :)

i used her calligraphy for a wedding invite i'm currently working on and i basically want to be her.  it's that simple.  someday...

still here..

for those who thought i might have jumped off the nearest cliff (or bridge, since i'm in kansas and there are no cliffs to be found, only hills), i have not.  and i'm slowly but surely coming out of my slump, thanks in large part to bryan's schedule.  also, those beatle guys knew a thing or two when they wrote the words, 'let it be.'  i might get a tattoo of that if i ever decided i needed another.  maybe a japanese symbol representing that phrase-- KIDDING.  but not about the words, they are powerful.

we're getting back into our normal routine, the one where the boys are at "school" twice a week and i get a bit of a break.  we've had a few snow days, and if we have more so-help-me, i may just check out.  no i won't.

it also helps a ton when i get phone calls and e-mails from my people, wanting to know if they can help or offer an ear to listen... just someone acknowledging it is huge. thank you peeps.

in other news: running is on my list for new years resolutions.  i started "training" for a 5k.  it's in quotes because i don't plan on running a 5k, i just needed rules to follow.  i'm up to 2.25 miles and i haven't died yet.  i think it's going well.

lately

it's been a rough couple of weeks.  i kind of don't know how to make this post into a good story or have a neat and organized beginning, middle, and end, so you may lose interest.  it's ok, i understand.  as the boys have become two year-olds in every sense of the word (phrase?), and bryan has had to work several shifts in a row a couple of times, i've become more and more worn down.  i've figured out that it's the days where i have them alone from sun up to sun down that really get to me.  and when i haven't fully recovered from the previous day, each day gets a little bit worse in the sense of me starting out with a positive attitude as to how it will go.  we've always said it's going to be so good, because growing up as twins, they never are the only ones who never have to wait, the only baby getting the attention or having to adjust to a new sibling because they've always had each other there.  patience will come naturally.  apparently, they haven't figured it out yet.  mealtimes are the hardest.  when i'm going it alone, if i put them in their highchairs without the food in front of them, the whining/yelling/crying hits decibels that should be illegal.  if i let them play around while i'm making whatever meal it may be (which is part of the problem that we don't have a proper play area for them while i'm cooking), they end up falling off the piano bench or getting into the dogs food, etc.

another issue that's added fuel to the fire is the fact that they've gotten pickier in the last couple of weeks.  we went to their 2 year appointment and they've gained .6 pounds in the last six months and are in the 9th percentile for weight. (95th for head!!)  so although i can see with my own eyes and know with my gut that they are fine, i shouldn't be worried because they're acting like normal two year-olds, it's still in the back of my head when they've stopped eating their normal go-to foods, i.e. macaroni and cheese, peanut butter, string cheese.  can i just say thank god for cheerios?!  tonight for dinner, we had: bagels with cream cheese, raisins, yogurt, bananas (or lello nuh-na-nuh, as liam calls them), a few bites of apple, and pretzels.  partly because we were running errands and i didn't have time to make anything, and partly because i didn't want to make anything they weren't going to eat anyway!  i'm usually pretty good with letting things go, but this one's been a hard one.  i've been told they aren't going to starve, so i guess we're just gonna have to tough it out.

i did read something the other day, and although i'm ashamed to admit it was on the people.com celebrity baby blog, it made a lightbulb go off in my tired head.  the celebrity (who i can honestly say i don't know- pretty surprising!), was talking about her two year-old daughter and how she's noticed lately little things that have made her feel like a bad parent.  for instance, they were at a birthday party and the girl threw a tantrum and ran to the nanny instead of her.  and she said she couldn't take it personally, that her daughter wasn't doing it on purpose, but it was just her doing what she knew.  big a-ha moment for me.  this isn't about me.  they aren't waging a personal attack against me, they're just being toddlers.  liam isn't climbing to the top of the bookshelf because he knows it's going to make me mad, he's just curious!  he is interested in everything, he needs to explore every nook and cranny, and he isn't doing it on purpose.  of course, after he gets a reaction, then he's doing it on purpose.  i just need to remember that, i need to dig to the bottom of my soul where i didn't think i had an ounce of patience left, find it, and let them be two.  i need to channel one of my best friends, sarah d.  who would most definitely recommend ending the day with a vodka cran and dr. mcdreamy.  and maybe, every once in awhile when it's too much, just cry.  always helps.

suggestions? tips?

happy new year to me.

there is no time like the new year to make me feel like i'm going to lose my mind if i see one more piece of clutter/junk/toy we haven't played with in a year/etc in my way.  you start out a pretty organized person,  you have kids, you have no time, blah, blah, blah, your priorities shift (with good reason), and you find yourself up to your ears thinking you should just move instead of deal with it all.  well, since we aren't going to do that (yet), as soon as the boys were back in school (the hallelujah chorus blaring on the pretend blog speakers), we started purging.  not that kind, although i wouldn't mind a quick weight loss plan - kidding!  we started at the top: our closet.  disclaimer: what you are about to see isn't pretty.  i'm not proud of it, and yes, it made me a bit nauseated too.  

holy hell!  we put some tunes on, and were done in a little over an hour.
whoa.  and this is the result:

SEVEN bags full of our clothes to take to good will.  how does it get to be that bad, you ask?  well, i'm one of those people who finds a good shirt and buys one in every color.  i know, i know.  resolving not to be that person anymore.  wasteful.  and although there is still some organizing to do, i thought i'd give you a little relief from the before to the after:

we moved onto the boys' closet, which actually wasn't bad.  i had just thrown all their smaller clothes into a laundry basket in the corner to be put away at a later date.  that being yesterday.  we filled a couple of big bins and moved those into storage.  i won't bore you with the rest (kitchen today, toys/playroom tomorrow), but while we're on the subject of organization, this was my christmas present from bryan:

i've since cut the lower dowel in two and spread out the ribbon,

if you're concerned about the bowing.

which, i'm sure you are.

i'd seen this in martha (of course), and elise just did something similar in her workspace.  my main goal was to have my desk completely clear of clutter.  i saved a few essentials - laptop, picture of my babes when they were brand new, my favorite sharpies, and this anthro candle that will never get old.  in my last post, i wrote that my bf's version of heaven was chocolate and classic movies:  mine would include that candle.  can't get enough.  moving on, i cleared everything else off, including my desk calendar that i love, but was too much to have in front of me all the time.  and the board needs more organizing and adding to, but it's totally working for now.

seven trash bags full of clothes and shoes, two or three boxes of various household appliances/knick-knacks, basically everything but the kitchen sink.  it's a good feeling. resolving to simplify our lives; first step, de-clutter. check.

winter wonderland...

in a cookie jar, a la martha stewart - who else?

this was super easy, i can finally say i started and completed something during naptime.  my only issue was all the stickiness...  i'm not completely OCD like a certain sister i have, but i have a few things:  i don't like christmas lights that blink, i prefer for two light switches on a switch-plate to be going the same direction when turned off, and i don't like my hands to be sticky.  what i'm about to tell you may cause you to judge me just a bit, but that's ok:  i used to hold raisins in my hands and smoosh them all around, just so i could wash my hands.  yeah, i told you it was bad.  go ahead, judge.  so for this project, i kept a wet washcloth close by for emergencies.  however, it caused all the jimmies and sprinkles to lose their color.  ergo, i had to deal.  with all the gumdrop sticky.  

i survived.

p.s. i'm pretty sure there are a lot more things to add to that 'i'm not OCD, but here's my list' list, but i didn't want to wander.  i'm pretty good at that.

how?

i've been failing at life lately.  ok, so i'm being a bit dramatic (who, me?!?), but i'm starting to feel again like i'm spreading myself too thin, not giving every part of my life 100 percent, or at least the most i can.  i felt like this when i'd gone back to work and was kind of a wreck.  and when molly went off to nursing school and we didn't get her twice a week to baby-sit/clean/be around anymore.. (i'm seriously being dramatic, she's closer now than she was, although way busier.)  the boys are in school twice a week for 5-6 hours each day, and i have someone come clean the house every other week.  i'm looking at this, thinking i shouldn't be complaining.  then again, this is my space and i need to vent.  i don't know if part of the problem is bryan's irregular schedule, so some days i can count on him being here the whole day, some days i can't??  i tried a long time ago to pretend like i'm a single mom, so i get used to never counting on him, then when he's around, it's a pleasant surprise.  well, that didn't work- i think with twins, it's imperative that we're a team and it ends up that i severely lack when he's not around to help.  (all this time, tiffany + the triplets are in the back of my head, with her husband traveling 4 days out of the week.)

maybe the point of this is to know how other moms do it.  i don't even cook!  how other moms, many who have more children than i do, more activities than i/we, manage their houses, husband's lives, kid's lives, cook, clean, etcetera and manage not to get seriously depressed.  i'm not seriously depressed, believe me, and i'm extremely grateful to be able to stay home with the boys, i just don't know how it's done.  maybe they put on brave faces and are falling apart behind the facade, or maybe there's a secret.  my mom told me last night i needed to try to like red wine.  maybe she's onto something...

someone get some mascara on that girl!

so sorry to have left you hanging in suspense about my hair... although it's still a tad wet-ish (because i don't actually have to DO IT!!!), this is basically what it looks like.  there are a few unruly hairs who do their own thing around my temples, but i've come to embrace them and not try to blow dry them out or flat-iron them.  as if that would actually work.  i think i'm a short-haired person at heart, and like my mom said, it was only a matter of time until i had it again.  i am completely in love with it, and hope that i don't get tired of it too quickly.

this is the best i could do for before: christmas 2009

(loving the look on finn's face, by the way)

i'm blaming the mustard walls of my office on the fact that i'm sooo washed out.

really, i'm just that washed out...

hair dilemma

i'm getting my hair cut tomorrow.  this usually isn't such a big deal to normal people, but i don't think i've ever gone two consecutive times and gotten the same cut.  ever.  unless i'm growing it out, which you'll find out shortly i'm no good at.  i think because i have a color that i've been told countless times is exactly what someone's been trying to get out of a bottle for 20 years, i've never colored it, so i get antsy for change in the cut.  for the first time in my life since high school, my hair is the longest it's been.  and it's really not that long.  chock it up to having no time and needing to be able to get it out of my face easily.  i've had short hair (i mean so short i had a derogatory nickname that rhymed with spike- awful), and it was SO easy, which is why i'm tempted to go there again.  not to the name-calling, but the less than five minutes hair-do.  but there's this wedding.  in a little less than a month.  and i always felt like i couldn't rock the short hair while trying to dress up... probably completely irrational, but how i felt, nonetheless.  however, i'm not in the wedding, so it's not like i need an up-do.  help!  i have a few pictures to take tomorrow - weigh in, will you?

this, but maybe not so messy...

oh and yes, i always have this look on my face. 

 kind of the same, but shorter

might end up looking kind of funky if i don't have the right texture

today i...

1. turned 29 at approximately 12:30 this morning
2. was lucky enough to get to stay in bed while my husband got up with the babies
3. have a cleaning lady deep cleaning my house bottom to top! talk about the best present ever.
4. am trying to save all my calories (am dieting since the whole 'acupuncturist telling me i was a fatty' thing happened) for the denver chocolate sheet cake i will be eating tonight
5. was not, however, able to pass up french macarons from andre's
6. i mean, really- who would be?
7. am grateful not to be getting scared or depressed or anything about almost being thirty
8. because, as jessica simpson said, 24 is almost 25 which is almost 30 - which means i'd be sunk if i cared
9. hope that i end up like my mom in many ways, except the fact that she'd rather wear baggy everything just to be comfortable
10. have a feeling that that will come anyway, hopefully later rather than sooner
11. am wondering if anyone besides ricki lake and uncle joey from full house has my same birthday
12. am wishing my bf and i could once, maybe once, celebrate our birthdays together
13. am really, really grateful that i have no friends or family who use LOL or OMG seriously in a conversation
14. probably sounded snobby saying that
15. am excited to pick the boys up from "school"
16. enjoyed staying in bed watched the pilots of the united states of tara and the big C
17. think toni collette is a genius actress
18. and john corbett will forever be aidan to me, therefore, perfect.
19. was told by bryan that i shouldn't be excited about my birthday present, but more so for my anniversary present (october 17), which he already has bought.
20. he is good.
21. finished liam and finn's 'baby books'
22. put that in quotes because it's just pictures with my own captions
23. don't go very well with the normal baby books that make me describe all of my inner feelings and such
24. am excited that they're almost 2, and i finally finished!
25. can't wait for another birthday dinner tomorrow night with good friends
26. wish the weather was more september-like: i.e. cool. fall-like. requiring long sleeves, maybe? ugh.
27. global warming is not a myth, people!
28. don't really like the number 29 (i'm a weirdo)
29. will not let it affect my 29th year.  happy birthday to me!

bye bye, facebook.

i don't know when exactly it happened, but i had an epiphany a little bit ago.  i'm 28, i'm a mom, i love being a mom, and i don't want any crap in my life.  my mom and i have had the same conversation a lot as i've gone to college, as i got a job as a nurse, as i got married and moved to a whole new place to make new friends, moved back home, etc...  as you get older, you realize that you don't have as much time as you used to, and there is nothing like children to make you realize that the time you do have is so extremely important.  which means things in your life that are not priority don't need to be there.  when i moved back home from fresno, i needed a way to keep in touch with my friends i'd made out there.  they all told me i needed a myspace page, i wasn't into it.  facebook seemed like a good alternative.  but not until i was on bedrest in the hospital did i join.  i was warned by my friends that i would become addicted.  i did.  it made me nosy.  and fake-interested in people who i wasn't that good of friends with in past lives (high school, college, etc.).  i was a different person in high school, someone who would definitely have a facebook account and have tons of friends and be all about it.  i look down my nose at that person a little, but what am i going to do, apologize for who i was? nah, waste of time.  so i joined facebook, and was connected to a lot of people who could now all see pictures of the babies and "stay in touch" with me from far away.  except now, as i'm older (and wiser?), i'd rather not. i'd rather not put pictures of my babies up on the internet on a website who's privacy policy is longer than the US Constitution.  i'd rather not read about someone who's going through a divorce because her husband is cheating on her or see someone's profane thoughts out there for all the world to see.  i know, they are allowed to put whatever they want, it's their own page.  and i don't have anything to do with that.  except i read it, and it gets in my brain, and it's negative, and i don't want negative things wasting my time in my brain.  i asked myself yesterday, i've been on it for a year and a half, how has it made my life better? . . . . . . it has kept me in touch with a handful (literally maybe 5 or 6) people who i've liked to keep up with.  a handful of people.  who know what my e-mail address is, and if they want, can contact me that way.  i think i sound a little snobbish saying that, but in all honesty, i'm not sorry i sound like a snob.  it all has to do with getting older, realizing what my priorities are, how important it is not to have negativity around, and not being sorry for how i live my life.  not to mention how much time i will save not being on it.  seriously.  peace out, facebook, i don't think i'll miss you.

good times...

it was a short trip, but was packed with good friends (including celebrities!), amazing food/drinks, and two little ones with whom i did not get to spend enough time.  but i finally got to meet them, so i'm satisfied... for now.  we finally got some pictures together, including a photo strip taken at a restaurant where the cast of one life to live was also dining (ok, it wasn't the whole cast, whatever).  probably the hardest i've laughed in a looonng time.  we spent time with her sweetie, got a tour of the CSI:NY stage, and had the most wonderful rice balls that have ever been made... risotto, parmesan, mozzarella, provolone, fried - where can you go wrong?  saw julia stiles that night, no biggie..  JULIA STILES. made eye contact. with julia stiles.  best celebrity sighting yet. for me anyway, my bf's seen ben affleck, 'nuf said.  

we saw jane and the girls on saturday for brunch/lunch at a french bistro in south pasadena.  walked to the square afterwards and let camille and evelyn walk/run around on the library lawn - or just kept camille from playing with all of the strange dogs around...  i loved seeing these girls, one) because i missed my boys so much and two) because they have the same personalities, i mean, exact same personalities as mine.  i could see the minute we walked into jane's house that all the pictures i'd seen were so true, that liam was so much like evelyn and camille and finn were two peas in a pod.  e+l, so outgoing/loud/attention-grabbing and c+f, quiet, observant, sweet, sweet, sweet little ones who don't always allow their twins to steal the show.  i wished we could have spent more time with them, but naptime came quickly, and i understand the need for that!

here are a few pictures i took - not enough, but definitely good ones.  

man, i love this girl.

and i really love this guy!

finally together in the same state!!

camille: no, i will not keep this sunglasses on.

evelyn: i will, if you look at me instead of her :)

good times all around. heart.

bf.

on my way...

california...here i come (a la liv tyler in that thing you do).  and this is how much i love my bf, horrible shot of me, great one of her.  we're too busy talking when we are together to remember to take pictures, so this one is from almost 6 years ago.  i'm headed out to LA to spend a long weekend with one of my favorite people, and have brunch with two little girls i've been dying to meet since they were born!  we've made a point not to make too many 'set in stone' plans, and i'm hoping i don't miss my babies too much on mother's day. (totally stupid mistake of mine, not realizing when i was going) all i can say is thank goodness for skype.  leaving friday, returning monday, and having some fabulous food and fantastic times in between!

another new header

i have to admit, i didn't do this by myself.  but i got tired of looking at the "stick people" i drew.  plus, i didn't want to add hair to the babies, which they obviously have now.  i got this idea from elise, of enJOY it.  i love the idea of having the pictures in the header be a representation of what i put on this blog.  i put together the mosaic at bighugelabs.com, downloaded it, added the text in photoshop, and voila!  i think once i have a bit more time, i'll add more pictures...  in other words, you'll be able to enjoy it for awhile.

i like

courtesy of purl bee

aren't these a great improvement from the old plastic refrigerator magnets?  i have a feeling they wouldn't be pretty for long in my busy kitchen, though... once there are little hands to play with them.  we're almost walking, so it won't be long. yea!

t-minus one day...

whoa.  holy huge belly, batman...  was browsing through old pictures on our laptop and found this one.  this was christmas 2008.  little did i know that less than 24 hours from then, i would be wheeling back to the OR getting ready to meet my two boys!  like bryan said when i showed him, doesn't this seem like years and years ago? yep.  and if you're wondering, those are homemade (by my uncle) chimes that we all play with spoons every christmas.   my other uncle (the one who has his PhD in piano) broke down several different christmas carols and assigned each note a number.  we each get a chime that's cut to sound a different note, and then all have to learn to read music/numbers in five minutes in order for silent night not to sound like a train wreck. why? because singing christmas carols while dad plays the piano just isn't enough.  not for my family.

my first sewing project!

obviously, this is a little past the season...  but what's the fun of posting things on time?  i have twin boys who just turned one, people.  so...  onto the stockings -- my siblings and i all had hand-embroidered (by my mom) stockings growing up and i knew i didn't want to buy ones for the boys.  but i also knew i wasn't about to take on embroidering.  especially since i started thinking about them in late november.  so while reading all of my crafty blogs one day, i found a pretty simple-looking pattern over at the purl bee.  i borrowed my mom's sewing machine, had a hey-day at joann's picking out all of our fabric colors, and made these in a couple of days.  i don't think they will be the stockings they have forever, just because i'm not 100% satisfied with them, but i really do love them and am pretty proud to say i sewed them myself.  i hand-embroidered their names at the top free-hand and for a little something extra, sewed two buttons below.  i was going to give finn one button and liam two, for their birth order, but it didn't look good, so they both got two.  i also have to say that i didn't want them to end up having the same color, but i also sewed a couple for bryan and myself, and had a brain freeze when i started embroidering bryan's name into the stocking meant for one of the boys.  oops.  i had a few pictures of all of them hanging on the mantel, but i don't really like how bryan's and my names (that might not be grammatically correct) turned out, so maybe next year when i've become a lot better at sewing and have re-made all of them, will i then post those as well.  merry christmas! happy new year. :)

and maybe don't click on the pictures to make them bigger, only because then you can really see the imperfections.   the imperfections that show that they were made by me. with love. :)

cookie madness!

every year at christmas, my mom bakes a zillion cookies to give to friends and have around over the break.  last year, i wasn't able to join in the festivities as i was cooking my own little buns and wasn't allowed to venture outside of my bed...  this year, i got to join and my bf jen was in town!! seriously fun times.  jen and mol also made some really sweet string/glue/spray paint/popped grenade ornaments.  sorry i didn't get any finished pics of these- they took a super long time to dry.  i tried to be professional with my pictures, but we all know how that usually turns out. enjoy!

gingerbread cookies, waiting for the oven

jen, exercising her creative side

i told you i was going to try and take fancy pictures

yeah, i mighta made a tad too much buttercream...

yum.

mocha balls and pecan crescents (balls) waiting for a powdered sugar dusting

our helpers, who actually did pretty well

the finished products. whew!

it's christmas eve and i'm starting to get a little anxious about the next couple of days.  i think normal moms probably look at this time (their babies' first birthday) in their baby's life and have mixed emotions, but of course, these moms didn't go into premature labor the day after christmas and have their 32 week twins approximately 4 weeks early.  once i got over the initial shock of them being here already, i was overwhelmed with guilt.  why do we feel guilty?  what is it?!  why can't we just let it go?!?!?  i have no idea.  i look at my two baby boys, who will turn one in 2 days, and there are no signs of prematurity.  they only spent two and a half weeks in the NICU, just needing time to learn how to eat.  in the beginning, they were on the low side of the adjusted growth curve, but now average non-adjusted.  they do all the normal things one year olds should be doing, and of course as their parents, we think they're little geniuses!!  and as many times as i've had moments of guilt over the past year with bryan or my mom or whomever, and i've been told : it's not your fault, you had 8 pounds 11 ounces of baby in there, stop blaming yourself, they're perfect, you had no control over it : i cannot help it.  so as with my infertility, i'm trying to adopt the mindset of letting go, of accepting the fact that it's no use living in the past, and that we're just going to have to deal with the fact that they were born on probably one of the worst days of the year (maybe besides leap day?) to have a birthday.  even though people who share that birthday can't wait to tell me how much it's sucked.  thanks a lot.

so here i go: oooommmm...
letting. it. go.

we're gonna need a bigger boat...

or another letter... but what will we do when we have another baby??? maybe we'll have to sacrifice our letters for the children. the stocking hangers are empty at the moment because i'm working on hand-making some new stockings for all of us... sewing to be exact. i don't really sew. but i've asked for a sewing machine for christmas (which i know i'm getting because i saw santa my mom buy it) and jane has turned me onto the purl bee, which is where i got the pattern for what looks like pretty simple stockings. crossing my fingers it's not a lie...

i'm back!

wow, it's really hard to live up to all this pressure... just kidding, there's no pressure. maybe only from myself... you know how it goes, life gets busy, a few days go by and no new blog posts, a few more days go by, and you keep telling yourself 'the last thing you posted was about halloween, you better get on the stick!', and pretty soon, it's almost a month later and you've become one of those bloggers. the ones who really want to post about a lot of things, but just can't make time for it. the ones who drool over many many blogs every day, but can't ever seem to think anything she has to say will be worth reading... well, that's the end of that. i am going to make an effort to not write this for anyone but me. it doesn't just have to be about the babies (who, in my defense, do take up a LOT of time) :), it's going to be about me, my family, my non-existent business, our life. i hope you'll forgive me for my hiatus, all of you 3 people who check on a regular basis. :) as of right now, i am back. wish me luck, as i think i'm about to enter one of the busiest times of my life: the holiday season. with almost one-year old twins. oy.